Building the Gentleman-osphere

Asking the males reading this: does this ring true for you? “There is a moment, somewhere between puberty and adulthood, when something ignites in many young men: an almost physical conviction that you have to make something of yourself. Earn money, get fit and, perhaps most pressingly, become ‘high-value’ on the dating market.”

It’s a quote from an article I read this week in The Financial Times by Simon van Teutem. I wouldn’t have used the exact same language to describe myself when I was in my 20’s, but those were all big things to me. I wanted to find meaningful work that paid the bills. With my discretionary time I decided to get in the best shape of my life. And I really wanted to find someone to share my life with.

Hitting those milestones is harder now for men graduating into the workplace these days. Compared to when I came out of school, men make up a smaller percentage of college students (down from 60% to 40%). That, and changing workplace conditions, has led to a 3% decline in real wages for the median male worker over the past 40 years. When it comes to health, men are also more than we used to be to overdose (up 600% since 2000), vape (daily vaping has doubled in the past five years) and kill themselves (up 40% since 2000).

Direct disaggregated data on the impact of substance abuse and health on dating is hard to find, but one study shows that increased income and education are roughly 2.5 times more likely to improve a man’s romantic prospects as a woman’s romantic prospects. That could be part of the reason that the percentage of men married by age 30 has declined from 80% in the 1970’s to 23% today.

So 20-something men looking to construct their lives find themselves searching for life hacks. From the left they get clear guidance about what not to do: don’t resent women, or immigrants, or minorities – don’t be toxically masculine.

The right, meanwhile, has created a complete ecosystem of easy solutions for struggling young men – all existing in what has come to be known as the “manosphere.”

The consistent messages from the men (and a few women) of the manosphere, according to van Teutem, are four: society is conspiring against you; feminists (or immigrants, or political elites) are at the root of your oppression; there is a solution; and (if you’re willing to pay for it) they will share it with you: “Buy my course, and the money, six-pack and girls will follow.”

Andrew Tate is the poster man for the manosphere. A former kickboxer who has described himself as a misogynist, he has been described by others as “the king of toxic masculinity.” He has 11 million followers on X.

The mano-marketers are really good at pushing their advice out to young men – in one study researchers registered 10 blank cell phones as male teenagers on Tik Tok and YouTube shorts, with no previous history. Within 3 hours, more than three-quarters of everything on their feed was from the manosphere. The messages: making money is more important than finding purpose; women need to get out of the office and back to making dinner and babies; men need to reassert their vision of societal norms; and men who disagree with this are dangerous. Another set of messages: all this will go better for you if you invest in my crypto scheme and buy my supplements.

But up until recently, there hasn’t been an alternative message outlining a non-roided path forward for young men. According to Richard Reeves, president of the American Institute for Boys and Men:

“We have done a… lousy job of offering a positive vision of modern masculinity. We’ve done a long list of don’ts, very few do’s, and then blamed them for looking elsewhere. It’s our fault, not theirs.”

Reeves is one of the voices trying to outline a different path forward, outlining a new space Ari David Blaff calls “the gentlemanosphere.” It’s a long word, so let’s call it GMS.

The GMS includes Reeves, former Navy Seal Jocko Willink, former head of the American Enterprise Institute and professor Arthur Brooks, New York Times columnist David French, podcaster Chris Williamson, podcaster and entrepreneur Scott Galloway and others that is trying to outline a different set of principles for young men seeking answers. Blaff’s summary: “raise your hand when you need help; get off screens and into the real world; build communities with partners and friends; take risks; express yourself emotionally; and look after your physical health.”

“The most masculine people,” Galloway argues, “Leave a legacy of surplus value from a place of kindness, generosity and strength. They give more love, hope and encouragement, pay more taxes, and create more jobs than they get back.”

Men and women should be able to co-exist in the gentlemanosphere (Image generated with deepai.org)

Finding how to talk about the GMS is tricky, notes Arthur Brooks: “The goal should be to not cast away masculinity as ‘toxic’ – or to accuse femininity as being a militating force against men. No: We must describe masculinity and femininity as mutually reinforcing, and help both sexes find ways to rediscover meaning in their lives.”

That kind of argument illustrates one of the biggest challenges the GMS faces – it has to overcome challenges from both the right and left.

The GMS is making a subtle argument: yes, women still need help; yes, masculinity can be toxic; but, yes, there is value in men protecting and providing for others; so be ambitious and empathetic. The manosphere, meanwhile, argues with the subtlety of what one critic described as “an AR-15, openly carried.” They say screw that; the world’s out to get you; you deserve better.

From the left, critics accuse the gentlemanospherists of trying to have the same cake they’ve always had – and keep eating it.

There is among the GMS, writes Jesica Winter in The New Yorker, “an unreachable itch, or a marrow-deep belief – that men should still rank above women in the social hierarchy, just not as much as before.”

I’m a man, obviously, so maybe I’m giving the GMS too much credit, but I just don’t see that kind of Machiavellian mind game. And I understand it’s easy to argue that the challenges young men are facing are no big deal – after a 10,000 year win streak, are they really going to complain about a 50-year corrrective? But I find myself much more drawn to a different argument. We are at a time of unprecedented challenge and change in our world. We need every ounce of energy to help us figure out how to move forward. And we can’t afford to tie half of our collective brainpower behind our back.

To compete with the manosphere, the gentlemanosphere needs to offer a well-defined, attractive alternative path (Image generated with ChatGPT)

I think the gentlemanosphere is on to something. It’s frustratingly gray and nuanced and, so far, not especially well-articulated. Let’s find a way to help them flesh it out.

-Leslie

Notes:

The Financial Times on the manosphere as idea market failure: https://thedispatch.com/article/manosphere-williamson-boys-men-health-brooks/

Male wages over time: https://www.congress.gov/crs-product/R45090

Male suicide rates: https://www.aamc.org/news/men-and-mental-health-what-are-we-missing

Part of my series on male loneliness: https://www.boneconnector.com/writings/spirit-loneliness-suicide-friendship

Wikipedia on “toxic masculinity”: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toxic_masculinity#:~:text=Toxic%20masculinity%20is%20thus%20defined,men%20seek%20and%20achieve%20dominance.

Dublin City University study on cell phone marketing to young males: https://www.dcu.ie/humanities-and-social-sciences/news/2024/apr/new-research-shows-how-tiktok-and-youtube-shorts-are

The women of the manosphere: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2026/04/02/meet-women-manosphere/

Blaff on “the gentlemanosphere”: https://thedispatch.com/article/manosphere-williamson-boys-men-health-brooks/