It’s a growing tradition around the Thanksgiving table for each person to offer up something they are thankful for. Because a lot of us still get caught offguard, we end up panicking before we blurt out “family” or “health” — or “Season 3 of Mrs. Maizel” or “Bryson De Chambeau finally made that hole in one shot over his house.” All equally-worthy choices of course, but this year I hope you can spend a moment to try to take it to a new level with the people in your life. Thank them for something specific they have done for you.
This year, take the time to think before you thank.
Last week was a really hard one for me. I lost three people I really admired. During this week of Thanksgiving, I wanted to thank them for what they did for me, but also to jostle you to thank those who had a similar impact on your life before they are gone.
Marshall Brain was a man (and beard) in full , who always had time for me and my ideas
Marshall Brain was one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. By the time I met him in 2016, he had already created a ridiculously-successful website (and later a TV show) called HowStuffWorks, had written twenty or so books and was teaching entrepreneurship in the engineering department at NC State. After I interviewed him for an episode of my podcast, I discovered he had a deep sense of justice and an insatiable curiosity about almost everything. As a friend, he was someone I could go to with half-baked ideas and know he would take them seriously and make them better. The day before he died, he was encouraging me to turn my ideas on “radical positivism” into some kind of movement. I never got to learn exactly what he imagined.
Tim Kent told it like I wanted to.
Tim Kent was one of the best TV reporters I’ve known. When I was working at a local TV news station, I would stay late every day just to watch what he had done with his part of the news that day. His stories were always tough, terse, insightful, with analysis far beyond what others covering the same story could come up with. In 90 seconds, he could remind you of the context, find just the right sources and leave you feeling like you understood something important you didn’t know before. He moved on from reporting to do a lot of other things in his life, and I did too, but for an important period of time, he was my role model.
Brenda Hutchins radiated goodness and made me want to be a better person.
Brenda Hutchins was one of the kindest people I’ve known. By profession she was a career middle school teacher (based on my experience, there should be a special express lane to heaven for any middle school teacher). Through marriage she became my mother-in-law-in-law and, over thirty years of holidays, I got to see her generosity of spirit in action. She asked good questions, gave time and advice and treated everyone – of any age – as a being worthy of her respect and attention. She stepped up to challenges when she needed to and hovered in the background when that made more sense. She was the kind of spunky, sweet older person I want to be when I grow up (time is running out).
What these three folks have in common in my life is that I don’t feel like I told any of them just how much they meant to me. I desperately wish I had. And now they are gone.
I know I’m not alone – surveys show not sharing our feelings with others in our life is one of our top five regrets.
So why can’t we do that as often, or as well, as we should?
We’re busy. Given the option, I will find a way to structure my life so that I have zero time for reflection – during my uptime or my downtime. It takes reflection time to recognize why and how you are grateful to those in your life, and then it take a little more time to figure out how and when to tell them. We can find that time during holidays and, once we remind ourselves how fulfilling it is, we should be able to find time during the rest of our lives.
We’re arrogant. The first time I started admitting to myself I didn’t have the quickest mind (about age 16), wasn’t the best writer (started realizing it at age 25), or wasn’t the most generous (became painfully obvious around 30), it was humbling. And it is still hard for me to admit where I fall short (you will have your own list). But the more you accept your shortfalls and recognize you don’t have to the THE best, the freer you are to acknowledge those who inspire you, to get better at your own pace — and the easier it is to appreciate others.
We love to feel self-sufficient. We have this idea that we should be able to do our jobs or live our lives on our own. We like the idea of being the heroes of our own stories more than recognizing all the people who help us become more successful and better. Showing gratitude to other people means consciously admitting we can’t, and never could, do it all on our own. Human beings do better when we are interdependent, when we recognize that we learn better and perform better in relationship to others. What a load off of our shoulders to admit to recognize the others who are there for us!
Since last week I’ve been working hard to learn how to play one of my favorite Garth Brooks songs on the guitar. “If Tomorrow Never Comes” is short and simple, about sharing gratitude with others. Garth says he wants to “avoid that circumstance/Where there’s no second chance/To tell them how I feel.” Why? “Cause I’ve lost loved ones in my life/Who never knew how much I loved them/Now I live with the regret/That my true feelings for them never were revealed.”
We can always come up with excuses for putting those moments off. We think there is limitless time to do it. Until there isn’t. So this Thanksgiving, go ahead and give it a try. Like Garth said:
“Tell that someone that you love/Just what you’re thinking of/If tomorrow never comes.”
Happy THANKSgiving!
-Leslie
Notes:
Actually Season One of Mrs. Maizel was the best: https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B0875K26X2/ref=atv_dp_season_select_s1
Bryson De Chambeau’s House Hole In One quest: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipD3cpdGkvw
Wiki page on Marshall Brain: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshall_Brain
Some information on Tim Kent’s life: https://www.thepilot.com/obituaries/timothy-d-kent/article_36a9a3ee-a812-11ef-a381-a7731b1e0a21.html
Tim’s son Stephen writes about his father’s death: https://www.geekystoics.com/p/my-dad-died-today?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
More on Brenda Hutchins: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/winstonsalem/name/brenda-hutchins-obituary?id=56875343
Full lyrics to “If Tomorrow Never Comes”: https://genius.com/Garth-brooks-if-tomorrow-never-comes-lyrics